


ocean lungs

by rowdyhomo



Category: Naruto
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Gen, Intent to commit suicide, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 11:42:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13457523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowdyhomo/pseuds/rowdyhomo
Summary: when rin inhales, she suffocates on the taste and smell of salt.





	ocean lungs

Rin is no stranger to death. 

She’s seen more shinobi die under her hands than the amount of kills Obito and Kakashi hold combined. She’s dealt death just as much, too. Not in the field, not kills as such, because medic nin are not supposed to fight, but in the tents, the bases, and the village when someone cannot be saved and the only thing left is a quick mercy. 

She’s not ignorant of her own mortality, either. It’s been too many years of instructors drilling into her head, long before she even picked up a kunai, that she  _can_  die and she  _will_  die (and maybe, if she’s unfortunate, she’ll even wish for death). The only mystery of it is how but even that has it’s limits.

It’s not a fact, not necessarily, but a niggling instinct in Rin always knew that she would die in the name of Konohagakure. Unconditional loyalty begs its price, after all, and she accepts this in as much as any mortal can accept their own death.

Yet, as she and Kakashi flee with Kirigakure ANBU hot on their heels, Rin hesitates.

The choice, with the odds skewed so terribly against them, is obvious. Rin is a invaluable banana in a game of keep away between two monkeys. Currently, one monkey—her only remaining teammate, her comrade, her friend, Kakashi—is much, much smaller than the other. Outmatched and outgunned in every sense of the word. But, Rin knows as long as Kakashi lives he won’t stop fighting. (She knows that he won’t—can’t—let her go). Nor will the ANBU stop. Not when Rin carries one of their most valuable assets. With neither of the monkeys backing down, the only way to end the game is take away the banana. Take away Rin.

Rin, in short, needs to die.

 _It’s the optimal choice_ , she thinks as she crashes down onto a tree limb. Rin takes a breath, nearly choking on the taste of salt, and forces her aching muscles to  _push_  once more, sending her flying to the next tree limb. Her lungs burn as her body shakes and shakes from the foreign chakra burning through her veins.  _Kirigakure loses a tailed beast, reducing its power. Kakashi can survive, hide out without me giving him away. Our village is safe._

Shuriken fly at the two of them, Rin only just gets a kunai up to deflect them. Kakashi leaps to her side, his own blade repelling the ones she misses.

_It’s the optimal choice._

Kakashi slings an arm around her before pulling Rin close. Then, he triggers a body flicker. It’s ill-practiced. The two of them stumble out of it disorientated, but it gains them the small distance they need. They keep running. 

_It’s the right choice._

So, why can’t she bring herself to speak?

Her grip around her kunai tightens until her knuckles whiten. Kakashi has her other wrist in hand, dragging her along. He’s flagging. Rin can see it in the rapid in and out of his breathing, the sweat dotting his brow, and the way his hand shakes around her wrist. He’s running low on chakra, too.

Rin knows over a hundred ways to kill another human with her hands and chakra alone. It shouldn’t be hard to pick one applicable to suicide and  _do it._

It shouldn’t be. Not with Kakashi and her village on the line.

But, Rin hesitates. Her skin itching with the feeling of too much, too full, and her lungs full of salt.

_Just **do**  it._

It takes everything Rin has to dig her heels in and pull Kakashi to a stop. The boy spins around, words in the tone of concern, urgency, and well-blanketed fear dropping from his mouth. Rin doesn’t hear any of it over the buzzing in her ears.

_I’m going to die._

The thought isn’t as panicked as Rin thought it would be. Some small part of her still screams in existential fear, but most of her feels only determination.

Gently, she twists her arm from Kakashi’s grip before taking a small step back. Kakashi stares at her, bewildered, even as he begins speaking once more voice low and near desperate. None of his words reach past the roaring in Rin’s ears.

Rin licks her lips—salty, everything is salt—she says, “Kakashi, I’m going to kill myself.”

Kakashi stops. Rin allows no room for recovery.

“Without me you can hide from the Kiri shinobi and get home safely,” she adds, the words spilling out of her in a rush. Her hands clasp together and shake with the overflow of chakra in her veins. “I...I can’t be the cause of both of my teammates deaths, _please_ , I can’t...It’s the right choice. It’s the only one where one of us gets to go home. So, please understand--”

“ _No_.”

Rin stutters, tripping over the sheer volume of emotion that Kakashi puts into that one word. Almost enough to engulf the ocean of feelings in her.

“Kakashi,  _please_ ,” Rin begs. She isn’t sure she can stop him stopping her.

Kakashi meets her gaze, mismatched eyes made of steel, and says, “No, Rin! We can make it back. We  _will_  make it back. I won’t let you do...do that. It’s not an option, understand? The only option we have is to make it back to Konoha!”

The boy grabs her wrist once more.

“Now, let’s go, they’re getting closer.”

The girl could break free. She should. She could overpower Kakashi. Especially like this, with the soul of a demon bound to her own— _oh_.

Rin twists her arm once more, ignoring Kakashi’s noise of protest, then clasps her hand around Kakashi’s arm in turn. He looks back at her as they leap through the trees, brow furrowed, searching. She pulls on a smile, though really, at this point she’s just baring teeth. Gives Kakashi’s arm a little squeeze.

“Kakashi, thank you.”  _I’m sorry_. 

If Rin knows a hundred ways to kill someone, she knows a hundred more to put them to sleep. 

A small burst of chakra and Kakashi crumples before he has a chance to look betrayed. Rin catches him awkwardly, fumbling with her aching, heavy body. She then drops down to the forest floor, making quick work of finding shrubbery to hide Kakashi away in. Once he’s concealed, Rin about faces, taking off in the direction she and Kakashi fled from.

Rin wants to kicks herself for being so foolish. The soul of a demon threads through her bones. It’s chakra pounding away at her own like an unceasing tide. If she wasn’t a weapon before, she’s certainly one now. It’s little wonder what she can do if lets the three-tailed beast’s chakra flood out of her.

The issue is: she’s not sure she'll come back to herself. Or, that she won’t lose control and injure Kakashi instead. Not to mention, letting the chakra out might be a death sentence as much as it will be the Kirigakure shinobis’ scourge.

Rin exhales to the sound of approaching shinobi.

She reaches down, down, down past her own familiar well of chakra to that vastness that is the tailed-beast’s chakra. Distantly, like crashing waves, she hears it roaring its vitriolic rage as Rin  _pulls_  on the beast’s chakra. It floods her readily, filling her to the brim with a vicious, tearing hatred that  _burns_. Burns her chakra. Her skin. Her humanity.

The kunai in her hand falls, forgotten.

When Rin inhales, she suffocates on the taste and smell of salt.

The Kirigakure ANBU close in.

A girl exhales and a demon howls in her place.

**Author's Note:**

> written for a fic title ask prompt meme on tumblr! also bc i love rin


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